What do you want?

The one question that stumps most new clients just entering treatment is — what do you want? The client is used to people telling him or her what they need, so, when asked what they want, most people hesitate and stutter. Most say they don’t know, some say they want to change, to stop using drugs, to get their job back or get out of legal trouble, but when pressed about what they want to change about themselves at a fundamental level, their goals in life, they’re uncertain.

Not just people with an addiction problem, but many people get caught up in life and lose track of their goals and dreams. It’s especially hard on those with an addiction problem because the chaos created by the addiction leaves little room for self-reflection. Treatment, in large part, is about slowing down, clearing up and reflecting. When we develop a treatment plan for a new client, we ask for their input, because it’s not our plan of action, but their plan of action. But before action there’s reflection and planning. In a sense, reflection and planning are inner actions – you’ve got to know where you want to go or it’s easy to get lost.

It’s usually an eye-opening experience for a client to stop and think about what they really want in life. Sometimes the realization can be depressing because the person sees how far they’ve strayed from their original path. But depression only makes it worse. The mistake most people make is when they accept where they are in life and then realize where they want to be in life, the difference appears overwhelming, so they just forget about their vision, goals and dreams and accept less. The tension between where they are in life and where they want to be becomes too painful and they lower their standards to lessen the pain. They bring their top vision down to their bottom reality, and they usually return to alcohol or whatever drug is their choice. That kind of tension is negative tension.

The tension between where the person’s at and where they want to be doesn’t have to be negative and painful, it can become creative tension, generating positive energy, pulling the person toward their aspirations. Once a person realizes they can change and recover, then it’s an acceptance of a daily action plan achieving their goals. Addicts are so accustomed to immediately changing their perception of reality with a drug, when they have to slowly and sometimes laboriously deal with reality on a daily basis, it seems like nothing will change. The person in recovery has to slow down and realize that true, lasting change is gradual, although huge leaps of insight are experienced from time to time. The point is that addiction recovery is really just daily improvement while staying clean and sober. Learning to deal with reality by taking a bad situation and making it better, the person begins accomplishing lots of short term goals on the way to large, transformational goals. The key is avoiding the negative, all-painful view of change and embracing the creative, energizing view of change. It’s not that change is pain-free, but that’s just part of it — The essence of fundamental change based on time-honored principles, like honesty, openness, compassion, appreciation of beauty, fairness, physical health, peace of mind, charity, etc., transcend emotional and mental pain as you move toward a state of happiness, joy and freedom.